The First 9 Months for Mamma

Clearly, motherhood has trumped all other activities, such as writing on blogs. I'll be honest about something else, too; because I am very active on the Web professionally, I have become more circumspect about sharing personal things in such a public manner as on a blog. That's why you haven't seen so much out of me lately. Because I have other friends who are soon-to-be-moms or new moms, I just wanted to share my very personal experience because I want others to know what one other woman's experience is after birth.

Motherhood has been a huge transition. (Duh!) I had 3 months off at first which allowed me to focus on Lilly during those first survival months. I think the hardest thing for me to get used to (which is one of those things you know in your head but it's different when you actually experience it) is that my time was no longer my own. Breastfeeding felt like an enormous challenge to me, because it meant that I had to be home every 2.5 hours to feed Lilly. That meant any errands I had to do not only had to fit within that time period, the errand had to be timed just right. This felt especially challenging when dealing with other people or other factors that didn't understand this.

Once I started back to work, I didn't have the luxury of working in the same office day in and day out. Being a consultant, I was often at a different place every day. Trying to time business lunches and business meetings in various locations while all the while trying to coordinate when and where I could pump was extremely challenging. (It didn't help that I accidentally melted my little portable pump and had to use my sister-in-law's ultra heavy duty double pump which, as awesome as it was, is the size of a small suitcase.) There are few things more humbling than trying to show up in a power suit to a power lunch, then having to ask if there's an office where you can pump in. The worst was having to pump in the parking garage of the Ameristar casino during an event, hoping no one could see me shoved into the back seat of my SUV hooked up to this contraption. Talk about feeling vulnerable and completely miserable.

Usually I am in the process of rolling off or onto several projects at once, so I'm only looking for one gig at a time. Having been off of work for 3 months, I was in the unusual position of having to ramp up work to fill all my working hours, all at once, which means those first couple weeks were especially full of these business lunches and meetings. Add to it all the fact that, frankly, money was fairly tight because I had not been working for the last three months while I was on maternity leave. I felt this drive to have to start billing as soon as possible.

That is all to say that the transition to motherhood was difficult enough, but trying to transition to such an irregular job as I have after that caused its own set of issues. When Lilly was about 4 and a half months old I thought that weaning Lilly half-way would help; I would just nurse her at night and in the morning and I would just not pump or do anything during the day. Not having the stress of worrying about pumping during the day was great. However, I found myself crying all the time and getting really down a lot. I began to wonder that maybe messing with my hormonal system (which is indeed responsible for enabling a woman to produce milk at the right times) by having to produce milk, then stop during the day, then produce at night, then stop during the night, then product in the morning, etc., was maybe responsible for my blues.

It was really hard to wean Lilly after 5 and a half months completely, because I felt like I was somehow being selfish by putting my own convenience above the needs of my child since there was no physical reason for me to stop. However, I just got to the point where I figured emotionally trying to breastfeed completely or half way was just too much, and it would be better for Lilly in the long run if she has a mother who was not an emotional basket case.

My hope was that weaning her completely would level me out emotionally. However, since I was no longer nursing, my doctor put me back on regular birth control, which I think further messed with my whole hormonal system. I really went through several months of weekly meltdowns. On the bright side, during this period, Ryan got a new job, which is a really positive change for our family. However, as some of you may (or may not) know, I really haven't been a fan of St. Louis the way I loved Dallas. Knowing we were "locked in" to living here for a while longer just added to my misery.

I finally decided enough was enough. I decided a little self-help was in order. I told Ryan we needed to join the YMCA and I needed to start exercising again. Keep in mind I hadn't worked out in a year and a half. I told him he needed to watch Lilly in the mornings. I started waking up at 5 a.m. and going to the gym before work. At the same time, I decided to try to read through the Bible in 6 months. I know they both sound like ambitious goals, but I just felt like I needed to start taking some sort of charge of my life and my emotions and not feel like I was being tossed around by my feelings all the time.

Lilly is about to be 9 months old in two days. I've been working out for about 2 months now. I just got to the point on Monday where I can run 3 miles straight. It's a big milestone for me. It doesn't just represent a goal, but it represents me doing something for me. I've gotten through the book of Ruth so far in the Bible. Now that Lilly is more active she's sleeping longer at night, so I get just a little more time to take care of things around the house. All these little things are adding up to a little more sanity. I've been working for the last 6 months at the same client, which means I have a little more predictability in my schedule, which was really helped.

All in all, I feel like life is coming into balance a little more. It's hard to tell what causes depression. I'm sure it's a mix of both circumstances and body chemistry. Regardless, it feels better to feel like myself again. It's hard to know if I'm ready for kid number 2 yet, but I think I'm getting there.